iltv

iltv @ 2005-06-15T13:30:00

2005-06-15T17:35:55Z

Well, just one day left of exams. It's been hard this week. Very stressful. I have been eating less and less and therefore feeling weaker and weaker. It's really hard to study, because I just feel dizzy all the time. My piano teacher seemed to detect something and asked if I was ok, but I excused it as allergies making me lightheaded. I have a doctor's appointment next week so I expect this to end soon. My mom already knows, I think. But there's nothing else I can do. The doctor will see I'm underweight, and I don't care anymore because I recognize it's time to stop. It's so shameful, though.

iltv @ 2005-06-05T16:53:00

2005-06-05T20:54:26Z

One more week of school, thank god, and then I will finally be a senior. And after that I will finally be able to get away from here.

iltv @ 2005-05-27T15:54:00

2005-05-27T19:59:28Z

I was listening to the radio on the way home from school today, and they were advertising some sort of makeup, which contained coffee beans. The advertiser announced, "It will wake your skin right up!!!!" Haaahahaahaaa. Is there really a chemist out there designing makeup who thought coffee would have the same effect on skin as it does to the body when ingested? Wow. And are there consumers out there who buy this shit? Wow.

In other news, my 17 year old friend has just started dating a 25 year old- what the hell? He could be our teacher. Aren't there laws against this sort of thing?

iltv @ 2005-05-26T17:53:00

2005-05-26T21:53:33Z

I'm so done with high school. On Monday I had to write an in-class essay about Death of a Salesman, and I needed to write the word "refrigerator" because the broken refrigerator is an important symbol. And because I am retarded, I just couldn't figure out the correct spelling, so I got up to use the dictionary, and my oh-so-kind teacher screamed from behind the desk, "GET AWAY FROM THE DICTIONARY!" so I complained rather quietly, and certainly futiley, and instead replaced the word refrigerator with "kitchen appliance". I got the paper back today. The sole comment, in red pen: "It's a REFRIGERATOR, not a KITCHEN APPLIANCE" I hate high school.

iltv @ 2005-05-21T17:12:00

2005-05-21T21:14:46Z

Prom- Me, Dirk, my mom....The sole digital camera picture taken that evening

iltv @ 2005-05-21T13:01:00

2005-05-21T17:11:52Z

Back from a long hiatus.
My dog died. I don't know if that's the reason I stopped writing. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it really upset me. It just made me think about death, and I began to criticize myself. I only have one life to live, so why can't I live it well? I can't seem to garner any self esteem, though. And this all set off a second wave of my "eating disorder". But it's not at all about food, or my appearance, but I feel I have to do SOMETHING to improve myself, and so I starve myself. And oddly, it makes me feel empowered. It makes me proud of my self control, and makes me feel like I have control over something- my weight. I do realize I look emaciated and sickly, but I can't stop. I also realize how hypocritical I am being. I have always been the one to not be at all concerned about makeup/clothes/appearance in general, and criticize people who are, yet here I am literally staving myself to become thin. I used to think I did it for ballet, but I really don't know now. I know I need help, I know I need to stop, but I am so embarassed of it because it is so unlike me.

iltv @ 2005-03-19T18:39:00

2005-03-19T23:48:00Z

I hate the SAT's. With a passion. Do they measure intelligence? No. Do they measure how well a person will do in college? No. Do they measure ANYTHING?! NO!!!! Actually, yes. They measure how well you are at test taking. Yet in many cases they are the most important factor in college admissions. So what has led me to this rant? Three hours of SAT prep class this morning! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

But the day wasn't all bad. I took the train into Boston at noon for ballet. I picked up an application for ballet counseler for the little kid summer ballet camp. I don't know if I'm qualified, but it would be such a blast.

I want to see the Phantom of the Opera soooooooooooooo bad. The tickets are so expensive, though. I'm trying to convice my orchestra teacher to take us on a field trip, though. He said we might be able to get a school group discount. I LOVE that music. It's brilliant.

iltv @ 2005-03-17T18:59:00

2005-03-18T00:00:14Z

What should I do my school newspaper article on? Is steroid abuse in baseball too dull? Any ideas, anyone?

iltv @ 2005-03-17T18:35:00

2005-03-17T23:58:37Z

I hate to fill my live journal with cliche teenage issues, but this needs to be said.
I cannot stand my parents. I cannot stand school. I cannot stand the town I live in. All I want to do is GET OUT. I know this is typical teenage ramble, and I'll be gone soon enough, and then I'll have the world on my shoulders, but still. All I can think of is going to college. The pessimsit in me figures I will attend an awful college I hate, and have no friends, and then I'll end up back here. For eternity. And this very well may be true. I have trouble adapting to change. But also, I'd like to believe I'll find a great place with great people, leading to a great career with more great people. I hate to dwell on college so much, because I do know it is not the real world, that I will still be technically in school, and in dorms, which isn't really considered living on my own. But still. It's away from everything I have been with for seventeen years. And taht's a good thing. The beginning of adulthood.

I have been making small changes in my life latley. I quit my ballet company and started taking lessons twice a week with the Boston Ballet, which is one of the best things I've ever done. The people and instructors there are amazing. And most importantly, my 106 pounds is not considered overweight next to my stick thin ballerina peers. These teachers actually accept their dancers for who they are which is a major relief. Hopefully I can finally get over my self-esteem issues and ridiculously poor body image.

And last but not least, I tried out for the New England Conservatory's three week summer program, on piano. Hopefully I'll get in, and that will provide me with something fulfilling to do over summer break. I also need to find a job to fund this, though. I will not be a chambermaid again this year.

Last week was winter carnival at school, which was a complete blast. I don't know if other schools do this, but it's basically a competition between the frosh, sophomores, juniors, and seniors. Half of each day is devoted to all sorts of competitions- sports, music, baking, class performances, class murals, everything. And the juniors won! It was sad for the seniors, but alas. We are the strongest class. The spirit is insane that week, and I feel bonded to my classmates after it all. Which I suppose is the point. Yay for the school administrators.

I suppose that is all. Sorry, I've been in a bit of a funk the past few weeks.

iltv @ 2005-02-28T19:38:00

2005-03-01T00:41:24Z

Has anyone else noticed Bush's tendency to smile to himself after he is able to form and voice a coherent sentence? It's like he's proud of himself for getting it right. It's really hilarious to watch.

iltv @ 2005-02-28T15:06:00

2005-02-28T20:18:12Z

SO.
Today is the dreaded first day back to school from February vacation. I had a ton of make-up work to do left over from the week before when I was out. Tests, papers, presentations, ahhhh. In addition, I have a GIANT english essay due in a month. But certain little parts of it have deadlines. Like the sources, thesis, etc. I have a piano recital tonight, too. Meaning I will miss half of American Idol. I must admit, I'm addicted to that show. Shameful, I know. I can't wait until senior year. Granted, I'll be bombarded with tests and work, but still. It proves the end is near. But not really- four years of college to come, possibly more. That means semi-freedom, which is better than what I've got now.

Do you ever have to write a paper, and you look up some information, and they word your thoughts so precisely and so beautifully that you are tempted to just copy their sentences? It's so frustrating for me. This one book uses all the perfect words, and I can't think of any to replace them with...except for dull elementary words that will not earn be a very good grade. Alas, these are the struggles of being as verbally inept as I am. I'm really struggling to express my ideas for this English paper. Everything I write, in retrosepct, is just a mound of incoherent thoughts clumped together in the form of a paragraph.

iltv @ 2005-02-21T16:35:00

2005-02-21T21:45:31Z

When I was 10, I was terrified of death. I would cry myself to sleep at night because I was so scared. The minute I would turn the lights out at night, I would begin thinking of my inevitable demise. Then I would start to shiver and shake just picturing it. The idea that I would soon be dead, and would never return, depressed me beyond belief. And so this went on for months, until my mother showed me an article about how the behavior was typical for my age. And that was all it took. I immediatly emerged from the depression, and haven't been scared of death since. All I needed was to be told that I was not alone. It was not that I was actually scared of dieing. I was more terrified that I was the only one thinking this way. To know I was not alone was all I needed to comfort me. My point? I think lonliness is the source of many of our secret worries. I just thought I would share. It comforts me, at least.

iltv @ 2005-02-20T14:22:00

2005-02-20T19:26:16Z

I have been so sick the last few days. What I thought was just a cold turned out to be the flu. So I have a fever, and have been throwing up constantly. Uck. At least it's vacation so I'm not missing any school. Or is that the downside?

If I get better soon enough I want to visit some colleges this week, mainly in Boston. Lately I have been drawn to the city. I don't know if it's really the right thing, or if I'm only intrigued because it's the opposite of how I live now. Hopefully I'll get a real feel for it if I visit.

iltv @ 2005-02-18T17:59:00

2005-02-18T22:59:34Z

It's February Vacation!

iltv @ 2005-02-16T15:56:00

2005-02-16T21:02:51Z

I have to vent.

Why the hell do the dumbest people love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? I watched it with two of my friends, and neither one understood what was going on without me explaining every five minutes. Yet people claim it was so amazing, when I KNOW they had no idea what was going on. They go on and on with these supposedly inspirational quotes that, one, they don't understand, and two, have no real meaning in the first place. It was a well-made movie. It was thought-provoking. I for one really enjoyed it. And I don't mind other people enjoying it, but I can see right through them. Their attempts at seeming intelligent are futile. They claim they got so much out of the movie, yet we all know they would much rather have been watching something with, say, Ben Affleck or Jennifer Lopez.

Edit: I am not implying that everyone in the world with the exception of myself is too dumb for this movie. I don't mean that at all. But I am speaking to certain groups at my high school who have decided to worship things they don't understand.

iltv @ 2005-02-16T15:22:00

2005-02-16T20:46:48Z

So today was the dreaded day of the annual February Freeze Fest. I.e. my school's National Honor Society members jump in the ocean to raise money for charity. It's a good cause, but there has to be an easier way. It's especially difficult with a cold. Gah.

Speaking of charity, I have been debating chopping my hair off for Locks of Love, which uses the hair to make wigs for children with cancer who lose their hair. I am ashamed of how selfish I am being about this. It is such a good thing to do. It's just that I'm finding my hair extremely hard to part with.

That's it. Yes, I'm dull.

iltv @ 2005-02-15T15:27:00

2005-02-15T20:32:25Z

Today was AWFUL. For no other reason than the fact that I have a terrible cold. All I could concentrate on was my pain, and I accomplished nothing. I shouldn't have gone, but since it's the week before vacation I felt obliged. If I feel the same tomorrow, I'm definitly not going.

February is such a deadly month. Check out the obituaries. It's insane how many people die in February. I guess the crappy weather makes the elderly just give up on life. It's kind of sad.

iltv @ 2005-02-14T17:13:00

2005-02-14T22:13:34Z

I got college mail from 31 different schools today. Yes, 31. It didn't even fit in the mail box. The mailman had to ring the doorbell to give it all to me. I guess it's because I took the SAT's? I glanced at a few of them, and then promptly disposed of every single one. The majority are from, like, Mississippi and Arkansas. It's ridiculous. And two were from all boy schools. What the hell? It's such a waste of paper. I feel likie writing each and every school that sends me mail and explaining how obnoxious they are being. But then I would be a hypocrite because I would be wasting even more paper. It's a no win situation.

iltv @ 2005-02-13T13:51:00

2005-02-13T18:51:56Z

I want to go to an ivy leaugue school and major in Ceramics.

iltv @ 2005-02-12T12:47:00

2005-02-12T18:08:13Z

My school newspaper article is due Tuesday and I am having extreme difficulties deciding what to write about. The paper comes out twice a month and I usually do some sort of editorial rant (I am production editor, not the "real" editor, but the real editor is kind of illiterate, and incapable of transfering coherent thoughts onto paper.) Anyways. I have a few options:
1) The ridiculousness of the livestrong bracelets. It has spiraled out of control. People don't even know what their money is going to when the buy the bracelets. Instead, it has become some sort of fashion statement.
2) The don't ask, don't tell homosexual policy of the United States military
3) The gym teacher scandal (He won't allow girls into his senior fitness class)
4) Harvard's President's sexists statements

A pretty dull list. Oh, I don't know. I doubt anyone reads my comumns anyways, with the exception of a few teachers, who are always kind enough to comment.

iltv @ 2005-02-11T15:45:00

2005-02-11T20:52:23Z

I agreed to go to the Prom with Dirk. God I hate myself. I know it will suck. It will be expensive. It will be time-consuming. It will be awkward. I will be surrounded by my most obnoxious classmates, clad in designer gowns. I doubt any of my friends are going either. I refuse to go to that pre-prom thing they have, where you and your date flaunt around in front of whoever in the town is cheap enough to come and watch. Which is, in effect, everyone. That is where I draw the line.

School has been stressful lately. As I have mentioned earlier, we do nothing. And the dullness seems to be getting to everyone. Last year, everyone in my school, excluding the seniors, took a standardized test for the state. And apparently a lot of kids did poorly, enough to consider us an "at risk" school. So we have mysterious people in every class now, just *watching*. They are called education officials. It's quite eery. The teachers know they are being evaluated, yet few make any effort to make themselves appear as a "good" teacher, with the exception of my dear physics teacher, the recent Harvard grad. He is completely stressed out by the situation, and plans elaborate lessons and labs for us every day. I try to be attentive but...it's physics. I quickly loose interest. So that is school.

I have two groups of friends. One group is my friends from my honors classes. This group consists of three, because there are only three other girls in my honors classes. The other group is my "popular" friends if you will. They are not the sickeningly popular, rude, obnoxious type, but they are what they are. I really don't fit into the conversations, which mostly revolve around Ashlee Simpson and the newest styles at Abercrombie. Not exactly up my alley. Yet still I hang out with them. Sometimes it can be fun, like when we go into the city, or when I coerce them into attending a concert or the theatre with me. But I never feel like I completely fit in.
My friends from my classes, on the other hand, are complete hippies. Liberal almost to a fault. Crazy about Nader. Smoke pot occassionaly. That kind of thing. I have no problem with any of this, except they understand none of what they are doing. They don't understand politics at all, and make no attempts. They know none of the issues, yet still crazily endorse Nader. It really pisses me off. I'll rant about Bush to them occasionally, and of course they'll whole-heartedly agree, but they never have any response, mostly because they don't seem to understand what I am saying. I'm not implying that they're dumb. I am saying that they shouldn't stand for something they know nothing about. What makes it worse is that they call themselves hippies, and make attempts to adhere to the stereotype. There is no individualism and creatvity whatsoever, which I for one think being a hippy is all about. But there it is right there, my own sterotype. They're just posers. Yet I have had every single class with them, every single day, for the past twelve years of my life. We have developed an inseperable bond, and I feel incomplete without them. They know my feelings. We do talk, and I love being with them regardless of everything I just mentioned.
It's just getting old. I feel like I should be getting out and meeting new people, but it is impossible. I spend every second of every day with the same people. We have the same conversations. We do the same things. The monotony is almost unbearable. Anyways, that is my rant. In short, I feel like I don't "fit in" anywhere, and I am sick of everyone. I know I am being negative, but I can't help it.

iltv @ 2005-02-10T18:55:00

2005-02-11T00:22:22Z

My AP Bio field trip was a blast. I way underestimated the amount of fun one could have at an arboretium. It really renewed my interest in the sciences. I have been reading the Lord of the Rings trilogy (eroniously called a trilogy, I recently found out. It's one great big book). Tolkien is a genius. I really can't believe I didn't read it sooner. I have been trying to watch less televsion, mostly because of the Spanish exchange students' impression of Americans- that all we do is eat junk food and watch televsion, and, in short, accomplish very little. This may be true. Well, the televsion part is true. I don't eat much junk food on the account of the fact that I am vegan, but I do think I watch too much television. Luckily, math club, which has turned out to be quite time-consuming, has taken away a considerable amount of this televsion time. And since I don't watch television much now, I have to find other things to do. Lots of the time, I mindlessly wander the house, or the neighborhood with my dog. Or I play the piano. Or I read. I rarely get homework, so that is not an option. I guess my life is pretty dull.

I started a new piano book today. It is book number 6 in a series of 6. I am thrilled to be almost done. After I finish this, I can consider myself an "advanced pianist", at least according to the book's terminology. I saw a Beethoven book at the music store the other day that I'd love to get. The pieces are brilliant, but SO difficult. Especially when so many of them go so incredibly fast. I think I have gotten past the lull in my piano career, if you want to call it that. For a while I was just completely sick of the piano. Everything I played sounded hideous to me, and I couldn't stand to practice. In short, I hated the instrument. Now I have a newfound appreciation for it. Especially after this symphony orchestra concert I saw last week. It was a school assembly, and afterwards we had a master class. They worked with my orchestra, so I got one-on-one help from the harpist, an incredibly talented man who turns out to be a superb pianist as well. So that's that.

Dirk asked me to go to the Prom with him today. I said I'd think about it, but I really don't want to go. It's just that I feel bad. He's a senior, and I don't want to deprive him of this adolescent rite of passage. But it wouldn't be entirely my fault, right? He could ask someone else. Getting that person to accept is the problem. He isn't the most popular kid in school. And school is so small, it's difficult. I made the huge mistake of telling my mom the situation; she immediatly started ranting about how it takes quiet boys like Dirk so much time to finally build up the confidence to ask a girl, blah, blah, blah. Well, it's equally problemental for me.

iltv @ 2005-02-09T15:16:00

2005-02-09T20:30:13Z

It was an impossible day at school today. We do absolutely nothing. NOTHING. Every day, we have at least one sub. And then we watch at least one movie in class, usually more. And then there is usually one class in which we talk the whole time about unrelated subject matter. And if, for some reason, we actually do work in a class, I don't pay attention. I find it impossible. It doesn't help me to pay attention. It's just incoherent babble; text books usually explain much better. I never get homework, so I go home and do nothing. Or stay after for math team, or orchestra, or field hockey, or some other pointless hobby. I just don't get it. I'm not accomplishing anything here anymore.

To make today worse, I had to deal with Dirk. Dirk is on my math team. I have noticed that he enjoys staring at me, and talking non-stop to me, but I figured that was just his personality. I figured he did it to everyone. Apparently not. Today I found a note in my locker (How did he know my locker #????) from him, divulging his feelings. He is a math genius, but not a genius at self-expression. The note was utterly incoherent. In short, he "likes me". I hate it. It feels so childish, especially the note part. That was what we did in middle school. Now I must come up with a plan to make him hate me. Just kidding. Kind of. Oddly, I feel very self-conscious around him...knowing he is looking at me.

My AP Bio class, which consists of 5 students, is traveling to the arboretium tomorrow. I miss the whole day of school. Presumably, we will stare at flowers the whole time. Then go out to eat. See what I mean when I say my existance is meaningless at this high school?

iltv @ 2005-02-08T17:44:00

2005-02-08T22:47:09Z

"Actually, it's quite fun to fight them, you know. It's a hell of a hoot. It's fun to shoot some people."
-Lieut. General James Mattis, who commanded Marine expeditions in Afghanistan and Iraq, in panel-discussion comments for which he was later reprimanded.

WHAT????????!!!!!!!!

iltv @ 2005-02-08T17:19:00

2005-02-08T22:42:18Z

It was a long, long weekend with the Spanish exchange students. Any activity within a 200 mile radius of this town, we did. I have never been so exhausted. They flew home last night, so luckily life is back its usual monotony.

Last Friday was difficult. I got my SAT scores. Verbal was 710, math was 690. I viewed this as simply OK, which unfortunatly no one understands. I know that the majority of my high school would be THRILLED with these scores, but...I don't know. I just feel like I should have done better. Of course everyone divulged their scores; most people were thrilled to break 1000. But people don't see how it's different for everyone. I set higher standards for myself, therefore I am not necessarily happy with what others would view as an enviable score. It's very individual. That's why Friday was so incredibly frustrating.

Anyways, as if that was not enough I had to play with orchestra at some wedding. A friend of the conductor's. Getting to the function hall involved parking approximately 992359235729 miles away, walking the entire distance, and then climbing 2979275958 stairs to get to the function hall. I would not be complaining about this if I didn't have to carry a harp that weighs more than I do the entire distance. It truly sucked. The wedding part was entertaining, though. I had never been to a wedding, so it was neat. We played the Pachelbel Canon of course, and other related pieces. So, in that respect, it wasn't so bad.

Today was my first math meet. It was a home meet, luckily. I did mediocre. I am not that great at math. I mean ,I am pretty good, but not in comparison to the rest of my team who, I am sure, got 800s on their math SAT and belong at MIT. I like numbers. I find them quite intriguing, actually. But I cannot even begin to imagine devoting my life to math. Too painful an existance.

As a side note, JK Rowling is brilliant. I recently began rereading the Harry Potter books. It amazes me how her mind creates such complex and intricate stories. Yet they still appeal to the general population. Utter brilliance.