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iltv's LiveJournal:
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| Wednesday, June 15th, 2005 | | 1:30 pm |
Well, just one day left of exams. It's been hard this week. Very stressful. I have been eating less and less and therefore feeling weaker and weaker. It's really hard to study, because I just feel dizzy all the time. My piano teacher seemed to detect something and asked if I was ok, but I excused it as allergies making me lightheaded. I have a doctor's appointment next week so I expect this to end soon. My mom already knows, I think. But there's nothing else I can do. The doctor will see I'm underweight, and I don't care anymore because I recognize it's time to stop. It's so shameful, though. | | Sunday, June 5th, 2005 | | 4:53 pm |
One more week of school, thank god, and then I will finally be a senior. And after that I will finally be able to get away from here. | | Friday, May 27th, 2005 | | 3:54 pm |
I was listening to the radio on the way home from school today, and they were advertising some sort of makeup, which contained coffee beans. The advertiser announced, "It will wake your skin right up!!!!" Haaahahaahaaa. Is there really a chemist out there designing makeup who thought coffee would have the same effect on skin as it does to the body when ingested? Wow. And are there consumers out there who buy this shit? Wow. In other news, my 17 year old friend has just started dating a 25 year old- what the hell? He could be our teacher. Aren't there laws against this sort of thing? | | Thursday, May 26th, 2005 | | 5:53 pm |
I'm so done with high school. On Monday I had to write an in-class essay about Death of a Salesman, and I needed to write the word "refrigerator" because the broken refrigerator is an important symbol. And because I am retarded, I just couldn't figure out the correct spelling, so I got up to use the dictionary, and my oh-so-kind teacher screamed from behind the desk, "GET AWAY FROM THE DICTIONARY!" so I complained rather quietly, and certainly futiley, and instead replaced the word refrigerator with "kitchen appliance". I got the paper back today. The sole comment, in red pen: "It's a REFRIGERATOR, not a KITCHEN APPLIANCE" I hate high school. | | Saturday, May 21st, 2005 | | 5:12 pm |
.JPG) Prom- Me, Dirk, my mom....The sole digital camera picture taken that evening | | 1:01 pm |
Back from a long hiatus. My dog died. I don't know if that's the reason I stopped writing. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it really upset me. It just made me think about death, and I began to criticize myself. I only have one life to live, so why can't I live it well? I can't seem to garner any self esteem, though. And this all set off a second wave of my "eating disorder". But it's not at all about food, or my appearance, but I feel I have to do SOMETHING to improve myself, and so I starve myself. And oddly, it makes me feel empowered. It makes me proud of my self control, and makes me feel like I have control over something- my weight. I do realize I look emaciated and sickly, but I can't stop. I also realize how hypocritical I am being. I have always been the one to not be at all concerned about makeup/clothes/appearance in general, and criticize people who are, yet here I am literally staving myself to become thin. I used to think I did it for ballet, but I really don't know now. I know I need help, I know I need to stop, but I am so embarassed of it because it is so unlike me. | | Saturday, March 19th, 2005 | | 6:39 pm |
I hate the SAT's. With a passion. Do they measure intelligence? No. Do they measure how well a person will do in college? No. Do they measure ANYTHING?! NO!!!! Actually, yes. They measure how well you are at test taking. Yet in many cases they are the most important factor in college admissions. So what has led me to this rant? Three hours of SAT prep class this morning! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. But the day wasn't all bad. I took the train into Boston at noon for ballet. I picked up an application for ballet counseler for the little kid summer ballet camp. I don't know if I'm qualified, but it would be such a blast. I want to see the Phantom of the Opera soooooooooooooo bad. The tickets are so expensive, though. I'm trying to convice my orchestra teacher to take us on a field trip, though. He said we might be able to get a school group discount. I LOVE that music. It's brilliant. | | Thursday, March 17th, 2005 | | 6:59 pm |
What should I do my school newspaper article on? Is steroid abuse in baseball too dull? Any ideas, anyone? | | 6:35 pm |
I hate to fill my live journal with cliche teenage issues, but this needs to be said. I cannot stand my parents. I cannot stand school. I cannot stand the town I live in. All I want to do is GET OUT. I know this is typical teenage ramble, and I'll be gone soon enough, and then I'll have the world on my shoulders, but still. All I can think of is going to college. The pessimsit in me figures I will attend an awful college I hate, and have no friends, and then I'll end up back here. For eternity. And this very well may be true. I have trouble adapting to change. But also, I'd like to believe I'll find a great place with great people, leading to a great career with more great people. I hate to dwell on college so much, because I do know it is not the real world, that I will still be technically in school, and in dorms, which isn't really considered living on my own. But still. It's away from everything I have been with for seventeen years. And taht's a good thing. The beginning of adulthood. I have been making small changes in my life latley. I quit my ballet company and started taking lessons twice a week with the Boston Ballet, which is one of the best things I've ever done. The people and instructors there are amazing. And most importantly, my 106 pounds is not considered overweight next to my stick thin ballerina peers. These teachers actually accept their dancers for who they are which is a major relief. Hopefully I can finally get over my self-esteem issues and ridiculously poor body image. And last but not least, I tried out for the New England Conservatory's three week summer program, on piano. Hopefully I'll get in, and that will provide me with something fulfilling to do over summer break. I also need to find a job to fund this, though. I will not be a chambermaid again this year. Last week was winter carnival at school, which was a complete blast. I don't know if other schools do this, but it's basically a competition between the frosh, sophomores, juniors, and seniors. Half of each day is devoted to all sorts of competitions- sports, music, baking, class performances, class murals, everything. And the juniors won! It was sad for the seniors, but alas. We are the strongest class. The spirit is insane that week, and I feel bonded to my classmates after it all. Which I suppose is the point. Yay for the school administrators. I suppose that is all. Sorry, I've been in a bit of a funk the past few weeks. | | Monday, February 28th, 2005 | | 7:38 pm |
Has anyone else noticed Bush's tendency to smile to himself after he is able to form and voice a coherent sentence? It's like he's proud of himself for getting it right. It's really hilarious to watch. | | 3:06 pm |
SO. Today is the dreaded first day back to school from February vacation. I had a ton of make-up work to do left over from the week before when I was out. Tests, papers, presentations, ahhhh. In addition, I have a GIANT english essay due in a month. But certain little parts of it have deadlines. Like the sources, thesis, etc. I have a piano recital tonight, too. Meaning I will miss half of American Idol. I must admit, I'm addicted to that show. Shameful, I know. I can't wait until senior year. Granted, I'll be bombarded with tests and work, but still. It proves the end is near. But not really- four years of college to come, possibly more. That means semi-freedom, which is better than what I've got now. Do you ever have to write a paper, and you look up some information, and they word your thoughts so precisely and so beautifully that you are tempted to just copy their sentences? It's so frustrating for me. This one book uses all the perfect words, and I can't think of any to replace them with...except for dull elementary words that will not earn be a very good grade. Alas, these are the struggles of being as verbally inept as I am. I'm really struggling to express my ideas for this English paper. Everything I write, in retrosepct, is just a mound of incoherent thoughts clumped together in the form of a paragraph. | | Monday, February 21st, 2005 | | 4:35 pm |
When I was 10, I was terrified of death. I would cry myself to sleep at night because I was so scared. The minute I would turn the lights out at night, I would begin thinking of my inevitable demise. Then I would start to shiver and shake just picturing it. The idea that I would soon be dead, and would never return, depressed me beyond belief. And so this went on for months, until my mother showed me an article about how the behavior was typical for my age. And that was all it took. I immediatly emerged from the depression, and haven't been scared of death since. All I needed was to be told that I was not alone. It was not that I was actually scared of dieing. I was more terrified that I was the only one thinking this way. To know I was not alone was all I needed to comfort me. My point? I think lonliness is the source of many of our secret worries. I just thought I would share. It comforts me, at least. | | Sunday, February 20th, 2005 | | 2:22 pm |
I have been so sick the last few days. What I thought was just a cold turned out to be the flu. So I have a fever, and have been throwing up constantly. Uck. At least it's vacation so I'm not missing any school. Or is that the downside? If I get better soon enough I want to visit some colleges this week, mainly in Boston. Lately I have been drawn to the city. I don't know if it's really the right thing, or if I'm only intrigued because it's the opposite of how I live now. Hopefully I'll get a real feel for it if I visit. | | Friday, February 18th, 2005 | | 5:59 pm |
| | Wednesday, February 16th, 2005 | | 3:56 pm |
I have to vent. Why the hell do the dumbest people love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? I watched it with two of my friends, and neither one understood what was going on without me explaining every five minutes. Yet people claim it was so amazing, when I KNOW they had no idea what was going on. They go on and on with these supposedly inspirational quotes that, one, they don't understand, and two, have no real meaning in the first place. It was a well-made movie. It was thought-provoking. I for one really enjoyed it. And I don't mind other people enjoying it, but I can see right through them. Their attempts at seeming intelligent are futile. They claim they got so much out of the movie, yet we all know they would much rather have been watching something with, say, Ben Affleck or Jennifer Lopez. Edit: I am not implying that everyone in the world with the exception of myself is too dumb for this movie. I don't mean that at all. But I am speaking to certain groups at my high school who have decided to worship things they don't understand. | | 3:22 pm |
So today was the dreaded day of the annual February Freeze Fest. I.e. my school's National Honor Society members jump in the ocean to raise money for charity. It's a good cause, but there has to be an easier way. It's especially difficult with a cold. Gah. Speaking of charity, I have been debating chopping my hair off for Locks of Love, which uses the hair to make wigs for children with cancer who lose their hair. I am ashamed of how selfish I am being about this. It is such a good thing to do. It's just that I'm finding my hair extremely hard to part with. That's it. Yes, I'm dull. | | Tuesday, February 15th, 2005 | | 3:27 pm |
Today was AWFUL. For no other reason than the fact that I have a terrible cold. All I could concentrate on was my pain, and I accomplished nothing. I shouldn't have gone, but since it's the week before vacation I felt obliged. If I feel the same tomorrow, I'm definitly not going. February is such a deadly month. Check out the obituaries. It's insane how many people die in February. I guess the crappy weather makes the elderly just give up on life. It's kind of sad. | | Monday, February 14th, 2005 | | 5:13 pm |
I got college mail from 31 different schools today. Yes, 31. It didn't even fit in the mail box. The mailman had to ring the doorbell to give it all to me. I guess it's because I took the SAT's? I glanced at a few of them, and then promptly disposed of every single one. The majority are from, like, Mississippi and Arkansas. It's ridiculous. And two were from all boy schools. What the hell? It's such a waste of paper. I feel likie writing each and every school that sends me mail and explaining how obnoxious they are being. But then I would be a hypocrite because I would be wasting even more paper. It's a no win situation. | | Sunday, February 13th, 2005 | | 1:51 pm |
I want to go to an ivy leaugue school and major in Ceramics. | | Saturday, February 12th, 2005 | | 12:47 pm |
My school newspaper article is due Tuesday and I am having extreme difficulties deciding what to write about. The paper comes out twice a month and I usually do some sort of editorial rant (I am production editor, not the "real" editor, but the real editor is kind of illiterate, and incapable of transfering coherent thoughts onto paper.) Anyways. I have a few options: 1) The ridiculousness of the livestrong bracelets. It has spiraled out of control. People don't even know what their money is going to when the buy the bracelets. Instead, it has become some sort of fashion statement. 2) The don't ask, don't tell homosexual policy of the United States military 3) The gym teacher scandal (He won't allow girls into his senior fitness class) 4) Harvard's President's sexists statements A pretty dull list. Oh, I don't know. I doubt anyone reads my comumns anyways, with the exception of a few teachers, who are always kind enough to comment. |
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